whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
