Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
