Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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