i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
