Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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