Jerry, you need to find god
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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