member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize