It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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