I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
