i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
