he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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