His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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