I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
