Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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