Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
