Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
