Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
