i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
