I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize