He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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