New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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