Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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