Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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