I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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