She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
