There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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