I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
