I need to stop coming to work sober
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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