I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize