airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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