can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
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