hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
