yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
