I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Vodka?
Forever.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
