one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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