the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
