Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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