So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
tell me about the eggs
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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