My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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