So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
