I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
