i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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