I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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