i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I FOUND THE LEGS
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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