I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize