epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
