i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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