my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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