This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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