You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
