Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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