Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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