i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
