Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize