Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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