We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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