I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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