As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
