Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I could make wine with my vomit
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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