Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
there is glitter all over my balls
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