This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
