I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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