a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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