we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
