So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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