I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
