Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
