we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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