can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
