Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
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