respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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