On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
